Ode to my love

"जीवन में एक सितारा था

माना वह बेहद प्यारा था

वह डूब गया तो डूब गया

अम्बर के आनन को देखो

कितने इसके तारे टूटे

कितने इसके प्यारे छूटे

जो छूट गए फिर कहाँ मिले

पर बोलो टूटे तारों पर

कब अम्बर शोक मनाता है

जो बीत गई सो बात गई"

On completion of three months of my existence without you ,I am reminded of this inspirational poem by Harivansh Rai Bachchan. I must have recited it umpteen times in my school days and till date memorize it by heart ,it fetched me awards too.Let Bygones be bygones,is what the poet wants to convey: whatever has happened has happened,pull yourself together, gather yourself ,tame your emotions and maintain your composure ,don't fall apart,get a hold on life and move on without feeling  doleful or remorseful  of the loss and let go............

  

But I am not yet ready to buy this,I can not come to terms with your absence from my life ,the loss is astronomical. The lonliness and nostalgic memories are gnawing at me like a rodent. I may move on,but along with your memories,I may saunter ahead in life but ferrying your reminiscences along.

From dawning of the day to falling of the dusk there are myriad of mundane events, conversation s and thoughts that spin around you and do not allow me to let go,it is just not possible to relinquish my grip on your memories,rather it's getting stronger than that of an octopus.

Every nook and cranny of the house echoes with your memories of daily errands and inundates me with the  flood of the eventful past which I can not let go. The teensiest thing of the house has strings of memories moored to you, In the morning,with the entry of morning sun in the balcony as I water the plants,the velvety jade and the spiky snake plant,which you planted,seem to ask me" where has our nourisher and nurturer gone"? Recalling that green thumb fondly, the lush verdant foliage we both created together  brings a deluge of green memories which  I cannot let go!

  

Sitting in the living room,the carpet  gives me a stony gaze and reminds me of our squabbles, as I would always refrain you from walking over it with shoes on and you would always disobey,which was enough a trigger  to get my goat. Those bitter - sweet memories,I cannot let go!

 

The kitchen and the dining table  flashbacks  the dazzling array of your favourite dishes,Rogan Josh, lotus stem with fish,and Rajma with turnip , the quintessentially Kashmiri cuisine,and in a child like manner you used to swoop over and devour it,followed by a shower of words of appreciation for my culinary skills,which I picked and honed just for you . The aroma of your favourite dishes , your ravenous eating and words of flattery brings mirthful tears in my eyes,which I don't want to let go.

You always loved the comfort and familiarity of your room, and would not mind leaving it frumpy and scruffy with your jackets,jeans ,shirts,belts and caps  huddled and stashed behind the doors hanging clunkly on the hooks and the mere sight was enough for me to scream and holler , You remained indifferent, emitted a  snicker and continued with this old habit of yours. The look of declutterd doors devoid of your garments leaves me in doom and gloom .The sight ,sound and smell of past events do not allow me to let go.

The groovy watches I wear,the handbags I carry as my arm candies,the books I own as my prized possession ,all have a story behind them ;a token of love on birthday ,marriage anniversary or the valentine's. Your last book " The Vault of Vishnu" which you left unfinished  remains dog eared at page number 123 in  the book case and remembering how I unfolded the suspense and articulated the rest of the story to you leaves me heart broken  ..The time ticking in the watches,the baggage of memories, the painful remembrances of the unfinished book  I can not let go.

Being at the wheels of car, your most devoted possession brings in a swarm of remembrances,it was a sunny winter day,I bought crisp hot moongfali from roadside , as was feeling  peckish so starting munching the nuts in the car itself,I tried to be wary enough and save a lot of mess but the pinkish brown skin of the peanuts got everwhere making the interior grubby and unpleasant.  Your disgust was palpable and we went incommunicado for  next few hours. But the memories of your scoffed gaze  mellowing into a soft one in no time I can not let go!

My incessant gossiping and blabbering over phone with my cousins and friends and your impish sarcastic smile for my zeal and stamina over these endless bantering and trifling talks ,many a times you would not mind eavesdropping if the door was ajar ,Now my volubilty has boiled down to monosyllable s ,but the echoes of my babbling and the snarky loving look of yours ,I can not let go!

There are zillions of such delightful ,intimate memories which I am holding close to my heart and these  prevent me from falling into an abyss of lonliness in this milling crowd.This unending voyage of memories ,I shall never let go!

In the said poem, the poet emphatically and beautifully tries to evoke fortitude and courage to endure the insufferable, The sky may not lament over the lost stars,the garden may not wail over withered and wilted flowers , tavern may not sulk and brood over broken glasses but I can not stop myself wallowing in your memories , grieving and crying my eyes out . They are infact an antidote to my  sorrow. These saddest thoughts shall always remain my sweetest songs...........