Wistfully missed- silently remembered

It has been two long empty years without you and these two harsh years have seen  raging  cauldron of emotions .That of love, lonliness, agony , grief, pain, helplessness. Denial being the foremost..I could not encompass the fact that  my endearing trouble shooter is no longer going to show ,the hideous truth took a long to steep in.  The first  year without you was like a turbulent ,furious  wave lashing against the rocks and boulders,venting out the wrath and rage on Gods for being unfair and unkind,blaming the wily and crafty destiny for making us  a victim to such a diabolic fate ,aghast  and infuriated  at myself for not being able to save you from the brutal talons of death and leaving me in an abyss of gloom , doom and guilt.

The bottled up emotions of rancour,rage,and spite somehow shushed up and   the second year without you was like a deep mysterious placid lake with a calm countenance but a churning  ferocity deep within .The mantle  and veneer of poise deceptively portrayed me as dealing  the grief with elegance and equanimity.I gathered  and pulled together myself,so that falling apart doesn't become a habit. Hobbling and lurching,I muscled to go ahead,getting through with the daily grind and nestling your memories within. .

Your octagenarian mother ,  braved through the grief with grit and fortitude.Nothing can be more agonizing and traumatic for a parent than outliving her child, but she showed a tremendous poise,crumbling within, she has been a rock support. It tears and seethes my frozen heart strings and benumbs me with sadness when  at times she inadvertently adresses  others by your name...

 

Our reticent boy who is your spitting image graduated out. His boyish charm somehow petered down and the sagacious ,matured one surfaced up,with a dignified composure but the iciness and flintiness is palpable in his  tawny eyes,when he wants to share his accomplishments  and the man in whose arms he would rush and fling to ... is not there.  Feeling bereft of a snuggery and sanctuary that you were for him. The loss of a his 'go to guy',  is ostensible in his unspoken words.

The gabby, perky  princess of yours fullfiled her dream and made it to a reputed medical school. Your qualities of tenacity and perseverance have rubbed on to her , and  is truly a chip off the old grand block..She sounds and behaves older than her years . It was the first day of her college and an oath taking white coat ceremony was held ,the proud parents were supposed  to button the opulent white coats of their kids.. With my quavering fingers, and quivering heart ,I did it it with one hand,the other brushing off the hot tears rolling down my raddled wan  face..I could vividly feel your  statuesque presence by her side,blessing her with your angelic smile.The over indulgent loving and dotting dad you always were!

There were celebrations in the family, it was your nephews betrothal, I found myself cocooned in the grief amidst the celebratory clamour, greeting people with a dead pan face... Getting dolled up and preening for the occasion was a challenge..it was a first family event without you by my side, with out your clicking nod for the saree to be worn. My wishy washy and dithery self always banked upon your approval before stepping out...you would even decide the size of 

bindi adorning my forehead...lost the luxury of wearing one for ever. When the whole clan assembled for a family picture ,how desperately  I wished and longed that you would pop out of thin air to be part of this ornate frame..My moist and bleary eyes looking every where for you..but when was life meant to be fair?

It was year of your best friend's  daughter's wedding too . Your love and camraderie for the family made me a part of  the splendid destination wedding..Your childhood buddies showed up there, and talked about your sterling virtues, your razor sharp intelligence ,sense of humour without frivolity, humility, modesty and benevolent nature.  I was conjuring the time of the life you would have shared with all of them,the unholy swig and bantering at the musical mehndiraat with your friends..Is life ever fair?

It was after four years, I went to Jammu,mustering up courage and wits to unlatch the doors of our house,which you built with heart n soul..The hallowed walls and sacrosanct rooms were reeking of your warm presence. I experienced a quaint solitude and peace there,which I had not expected.. Each door,every window and  balustrade smacked of your warmth and uncanny presence..You always inspected closely and looked for any chasms n chinks requiring repair ,I  tried to keep the same fine eye and got the little burnishing, buffing

 and painting done. It remains a place of worship and a loving totem for all of us.All the love and memories you created shall remain there for ever.

 It was a nostalgic  trip to Patnitop  ,our favourite and most frequently visited place,the one we knew like the back of our hand.But this jaunt was not the same.. Mountains as sublime and lofty,   ,the lush verdant foliage as green as emerald,the silver molten  moon beam as soothing, vast azure sky as glimmering and  flickering ,sun rays as warm and cushy,but the eyesof the beholder blurred , foggy ,moist and stony because of unshed tears of lonliness and pain .The cool breeze soughing through the conifers,air was redolent with resiny warm fragrances of pines but Ah! the whole landscape haunted and ensnared me in a barrage of bitter sweet memories. The logs of wood ,the kerbs,sprawling meadow s were stamped with  memories..As I twirled my fork into the maggi at our favourite food point,I was swirled with motley memories and the tears flowing out of my smarted eyes ..unrestrained ,thick and fast .It was recollecting and reliving,every moment  savoured together ,carted off to bygone days,like skimming and thumbing through the pages of memory book which hands down ,remained half filled and unrequited, brought to a premature ,untimely end.......There were so many  pages yet to be scripted ,so many memories yet  to be doodled, truimphs and travails to be experienced...yet whatever little memories we gleaned, the waves of those shall always inundate us . This sorrow and grief is a testament for having loved and having been loved.

 

But  as they say "death ends a life ,it doesn't end a relationship" . You shall remain alive in our memories.Your handsome mien,charming face with a winsome smile shall remain indelibly emblazoned  in our hearts for ever......